Oh the emotions pregnancy brings!!

This pregnancy has brought about a whole new set of emotions for me... right now I'm lonely and frustrated... I'm on my break from school, a whole month! I thought it was going to be amazing and in ways it has. It was awesome for me to have time to actually prep out Christmas and make it nice for my family... but other than that, I hate it. I'm used to having interaction with people beyond the 2 I live with... I miss succeeding... In school, it is easy to succeed. At home, it is very difficult. Christmas day was nice, but I forgot the rolls and didn't have it in me to make the green beans. I go to run errands and I forget half of what I needed to take to the store to exchange. I go to say something and I forget most of what I was going to say either that or I say the wrong words and even my son looks at me like I'm a moron... Those are the things adding to the frustration... That and the fact that this pregnancies theme is "well can't do that right now" and that is driving me insane. I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and being unorganized makes my head explode. I like to plan things out. My friends hate this about me because I'm not spontaneous at all. If you want to see me, you'll need to schedule it 2-3 weeks in advance because I typically have my life planned out that far... I like to make a time line in my head and then accomplish it. If I can accomplish an entire days worth of work then I can actually relax and have fun and get a decent nights sleep. Well in this pregnancy if I can get a whole 10 minutes worth of work done without forgetting something or screwing something up, I'm on a damn roll... and this is killing me... My anxiety is through the roof lately. Panic attacks and pregnancy do not mix well! It just makes the already huge amounts of pain that I'm in worse. Plus it makes me stubborn and I don't take it as easy as I'm supposed to... Lastly the lonely factor... People this isn't an easy pregnancy! It sucks most days! I'm so incredibly excited to meet my little Declan for 2 reasons really... First off so I have a face to put with all of this love and excitement but also so that I'm DONE with this damn pain, upset stomach (awesome side effect of the meds that I'm on, but the alternative is much worse), exhaustion, and inability to function... I feel like I have no support network... My 2 very best friends have moved out of state and man even though it's been 2 years for 1 and 1 year for the other, it's still hard as hell to have them so far away!! I miss them both terribly and hate that I don't even have the option of going to either of their houses...  With Coen, I didn't have a family support network outside of my mom. And wow am I grateful that we didn't lose her a few years back because I don't know what I would do without her right now. She daily checks on me to find out how I'm doing and if it's a good day or a bad day. I am disappointed that she is the only one who does this... Ok ok ok, I'm a stupid emotional needy pregnant chic, and I've apparently set expectations for this pregnancy and the excitement that others should be feeling towards it... I realize that this isn't anyone elses life besides mine and bryce's, but still...


ok rant over... I've been needing to get this crap off my chest and you know what, that's why I started this blog... Not as a way for people to find out how my pregnancy is going without the "hassle" of texting me but as a way to journal about this pregnancy. The goods and the bads... I didn't keep any sort of record with Coen's pregnancy. I don't remember what I did that Christmas... I don't remember laying and talking to my belly. I don't really remember acknowledging him at all until after he was born really and even then post pardum depression kept me from really bonding with him until he was a year old. I'm in a HAPPY place now and I want to be happy about this pregnancy and have a record of it for later.


thank you for reading, sorry if I offend but this is my blog

(don't worry, I will get around to blogging about Christmas!! now I'm going to wipe my tears and watch Bryce play Lego Batman on the Wii... yea we are badass... we play our son's video games when he's at Nana's for the weekend...)

December of craziness!

Holy cow!! It's only the 18th and man this month has been intense!! First off I had to finish school! Classes and finals finished on the 13th. Being in a program now, finals bring a whole new stress. It's not just about passing classes anymore, it's about placing as high in the class as possible in order to get the best externship and job in the end!! Well I was SICK AS A DOG! I wasn't really able to study very much considering I spent most of my time laying flat on my left side with a pillow under my stomach, one behind my back, and one between my knees! difficult position to study in!! Well regardless of how little I studied, I ended up with STRAIGHT A'S!!! Hooray!! That in itself was an awesome Christmas present!!

Now that I'm on break, it was time to get the babies room started! I could potentially end up on bedrest as this pregnancy continues as well as I start another semester of classes on January 14th! So we really wanted to get a move on! When we moved into this house last December, we turned a living room in the basement into our bedroom and turned the small bedroom next to it into an AMAZING walk in closet!! However we always knew that this was temporary! It was really just a decoy! We didn't want people to get any hints that we were planning on having a baby. If we left that room empty, it would've given it away. Well we spent an insane day at IKEA buying a built-in customized closet for our bedroom! I spent an afternoon on the computer designing it and the measurements fit exactly in the space that we had in our room!

We turned this:

into this:

I absolutely LOVE it!!! So organized, so pretty, just perfect!! And now the babies room is acting as our Christmas wrapping room! Let that fun begin!!

This past weekend started the holiday party extravaganza! Holy cow... I do love Christmas parties however this baby makes being social really difficult unless it involves me laying on my own couch and people coming to us (which rarely happens). So we made our rounds and boy I sure got exhausted! I had 2 contractions Saturday night. Not fun. Sunday we had a cookie decorating party and on the drive home, I fell asleep in the car. I talked the boys into taking a nap for an hour before we left for a dinner party and white elephant gift exchange with my mom's side of the family. I'm sure glad I got that nap or I wouldn't have made it thru that party!

Yesterday, I spent the day on the couch resting and re-cooperating! Bryce had to work, then my mom called him to get some secret spy things. I just about started crying when he walked in with 3 big bags of presents with strict rules that they be put under our tree right then. I LOVE having presents under the tree prior to Christmas, but we hadn't gotten anything wrapped yet! My mom spoiled us!! My favorite present is the one for Mommy & baby. Oh how I love seeing that!! I'm so excited to meet our little one!

On Thursday this week, the 20th, we're finding out the gender!! I'm hoping for a girl so I can have one of each! Bryce wants a healthy baby, and Coen wants a boy... We have names for each gender and honestly, I'm going to be sad to not use one of the names!! I'm grateful that I'm not having twins, but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to use both of these adorable names!!!

bedrest + finals = one crazy cranky momma!

Ok so I haven't been officially put on bedrest! However, at about 3pm, I'm utterly TOAST! I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, and worst of all, I have zero patience. I spend a great deal of time laying on our couch with a pillow under my baby belly and a pillow behind my back to help me stay on my left side. I'm sick of it! One day I was on the couch from 2pm til 1am when Bryce woke me up to take me to bed. This is ridiculous. I'm only 15 weeks along! Kinda driving me batty. Studying is all but impossible. I sit up all day for school and by the time I get home, I can't sit up any longer. Also every other day, I take a medication that makes me even more sick and in pain and unable to do anything but keep the couch from hitting the ceiling...

In good news, we are getting things arranged for baby! I'm so excited! We moved into this 3 bedroom knowing that we would have a family room for our master bedroom and a tiny bedroom as our temporary walk in closet. This temporary walk in closet will now be a nursery! So hopefully this weekend we'll venture down to IKEA to get the things we need to build a closet in our bedroom! I'm ridiculously excited! This means we'll finally finish decorating our bedroom! HOORAY!!! And we can start getting baby stuff!! On the 20th, I'm really hoping baby is spread eagle so we can find out the gender! I've got my fingers crossed for a girl and Bryce has his crossed for a boy! (either way both of us will be happy though! healthy and full term is all we really care about!)