This pregnancy has brought about a whole new set of emotions for me... right now I'm lonely and frustrated... I'm on my break from school, a whole month! I thought it was going to be amazing and in ways it has. It was awesome for me to have time to actually prep out Christmas and make it nice for my family... but other than that, I hate it. I'm used to having interaction with people beyond the 2 I live with... I miss succeeding... In school, it is easy to succeed. At home, it is very difficult. Christmas day was nice, but I forgot the rolls and didn't have it in me to make the green beans. I go to run errands and I forget half of what I needed to take to the store to exchange. I go to say something and I forget most of what I was going to say either that or I say the wrong words and even my son looks at me like I'm a moron... Those are the things adding to the frustration... That and the fact that this pregnancies theme is "well can't do that right now" and that is driving me insane. I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and being unorganized makes my head explode. I like to plan things out. My friends hate this about me because I'm not spontaneous at all. If you want to see me, you'll need to schedule it 2-3 weeks in advance because I typically have my life planned out that far... I like to make a time line in my head and then accomplish it. If I can accomplish an entire days worth of work then I can actually relax and have fun and get a decent nights sleep. Well in this pregnancy if I can get a whole 10 minutes worth of work done without forgetting something or screwing something up, I'm on a damn roll... and this is killing me... My anxiety is through the roof lately. Panic attacks and pregnancy do not mix well! It just makes the already huge amounts of pain that I'm in worse. Plus it makes me stubborn and I don't take it as easy as I'm supposed to... Lastly the lonely factor... People this isn't an easy pregnancy! It sucks most days! I'm so incredibly excited to meet my little Declan for 2 reasons really... First off so I have a face to put with all of this love and excitement but also so that I'm DONE with this damn pain, upset stomach (awesome side effect of the meds that I'm on, but the alternative is much worse), exhaustion, and inability to function... I feel like I have no support network... My 2 very best friends have moved out of state and man even though it's been 2 years for 1 and 1 year for the other, it's still hard as hell to have them so far away!! I miss them both terribly and hate that I don't even have the option of going to either of their houses... With Coen, I didn't have a family support network outside of my mom. And wow am I grateful that we didn't lose her a few years back because I don't know what I would do without her right now. She daily checks on me to find out how I'm doing and if it's a good day or a bad day. I am disappointed that she is the only one who does this... Ok ok ok, I'm a stupid emotional needy pregnant chic, and I've apparently set expectations for this pregnancy and the excitement that others should be feeling towards it... I realize that this isn't anyone elses life besides mine and bryce's, but still...
ok rant over... I've been needing to get this crap off my chest and you know what, that's why I started this blog... Not as a way for people to find out how my pregnancy is going without the "hassle" of texting me but as a way to journal about this pregnancy. The goods and the bads... I didn't keep any sort of record with Coen's pregnancy. I don't remember what I did that Christmas... I don't remember laying and talking to my belly. I don't really remember acknowledging him at all until after he was born really and even then post pardum depression kept me from really bonding with him until he was a year old. I'm in a HAPPY place now and I want to be happy about this pregnancy and have a record of it for later.
thank you for reading, sorry if I offend but this is my blog
(don't worry, I will get around to blogging about Christmas!! now I'm going to wipe my tears and watch Bryce play Lego Batman on the Wii... yea we are badass... we play our son's video games when he's at Nana's for the weekend...)
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